Not a Sexy Incident

Written by James Gardiner.


Two months ago, I started dating this guy called Finn and I’ve noticed that my usual ability to create stunningly awkward moments has since increased. Seriously, I can turn anything into an embarrassing incident. So, naturally, getting intimate with a partner a few weeks ago was going to give ‘awkward’ a whole new meaning…

Finn and I had taken to going to a local park and making out in his car, as we both still live with our parents. We usually do this on Fridays, date night, after watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.

One Friday, Finn arrived at my house to pick me up. Mum stopped me, telling me to grab my wallet on the way out, but I said I wouldn’t need it.

Later in the evening, we arrived at the park and moved to the backseat. Soon enough, we’d disposed of our clothes and were about to go headlong into it, when I accidentally sat my bony arse on his leg. He cried out in pain. I quickly moved and was failing to be sympathetic without laughing when light flooded the car.

I looked out the back window and noticed there was another car parked behind us. Well, maybe they were doing what we were doing, I thought. And then I saw the torch lights. Well, maybe they needed to go to the toilet over there, except that was lit up, so why would they need a… torch? And then, I heard a tap at the window.

The blood drained out of my face and I turned to Finn. “It’s the police.”

He grabbed the blanket which he had in the car and pulled it over us. I saw him take a breath as he wound down the window. Sure enough, there was a policeman.

“What are you doing?”

“Just having a bit of fun,” said Finn.

The policeman nodded. “Can I see your ID?”

Finn grabbed his wallet from the front seat.

It was at that moment that I realised my mistake.

“Finn,” I tugged at his arm, “I didn’t bring my wallet.”

Finn told the policeman, who asked me to wind down my window. There was another policeman on the other side.

“Tell me your name, date of birth and address.”

I told him and they went back to their car to investigate.

My brain began to panic, but Finn kept me calm until the policemen returned. He’s much better in a crisis than I am.

They simply said, “Keep it clean,” and left.

As they drove away, Finn and I just sat there, in complete and utter shock. We eventually turned to one another and started nervously laughing.

So what did I learn from this? For one thing, getting busted by the cops when you’re in a compromising position is a real mood killer. Well that, and to take my wallet everywhere. Except for last Friday. That was an exception.

Visit James on his blog: Not a Sexy Vampire

James’ work appears in the Genre, Prelude, and SHAG editions of WORDLY Magazine.

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